are you living, or just existing?

Recently I watched a movie in which one character asked another "are you living, or just existing?" Those words made me stop and think. That happens sometimes.

I am very big on handing out advice to my friends who ask, but I'll be darned if I will listen to my own advice. Do as I say and not as I do, and all that. Lately I definitely have been shifting from living to just plain existing. 'Tis the season for me, but for more than one reason.

Fall. Yes, it is beautiful, but fall for me has always been tinged with sadness because I know full well what is coming - winter. Winter to me means aching bones and yet another chance to break something, anything, due to my general klutziness on any slick surface...and let's face it, winter means slick everywhere. I have thought for quite some time that I suffer from SAD in the fall/winter, and so my lunchtime rambles now become more important than ever. Soaking up some sun, no matter the temperature, is good for my spirit. I need all the help that I can get. Walking has long been my primary way to mellow out. But the catch is the knees. The painful knees. They just won't cooperate.

Oh, the aching knees. Right knee has been wonky and on the mend for over a year now. When I injured it, I had been walking up to 4 miles a night, and the injury led to a virtual standstill. Slowly but surely, with much help, I regained much that I had lost, and managed to work my way back up to about 3 miles a night. Then, about a month ago, the good left knee rebelled at having to work overtime for so long. Back to a standstill. No walking at all. This round has been much, much worse. The pain has been severe and constant. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Each day now, there is a longer and longer break in the pain. I am determined to overcome and keep going.

I have to. No longer do I want to merely exist.

I want to live. Again.